Top 10 American Horror Movie Rules

Scream 4 is coming to DVD and Blu-ray on October 4, 2011, and with that in mind, it is time to re-examine the American horror movie rules.  There will be more rules to come this week, including European and American horror movies.

Here are the following rules for surviving American horror movies, in no particular order:

  1. Stay away from New York City and its outlying suburbs.  Aside from escaping terrorist attacks from the last season of 24, it is also home to horror villains, big and small.  The Cloverfield monster for one.
  2. Stay away from Los Angeles and its outlying suburbs.  It’s been a place for zombies, vampires, natural disasters, terrorist attacks and the apocalypse. City of Angels, it is not.
  3. Avoid anything on a travel brochure that mentions “idyllic” or something similar  — whether on land or sea.  More often than not, it’s not.  The ideal vacation will often lead to your death at the hands of the natives, some monster or homicidal maniac.  If it’s a remote cabin or near a lake, then definitely avoid it at all costs.
  4. Although mini-cams are often great ways to film events, mini-cams will not help you survive in of themselves.  However, if you are handling the camera, it will help you survive a bit longer — usually near the end.
  5. The military — or the Center for Disease Control — won’t help you too much.  They will either be overwhelmed, dead or intent on killing you.  Between the two, the military is the safer bet as they may sometimes provide you resources such as food and shelter. On the other hand, the CDC won’t help you much at all in most circumstances.
  6. Solo special agents from whatever branch of the CIA, FBI or defunct or secretive (police) organizations assigned to the case that you are experiencing will help you survive longer, if not until the end of the event.  Solo special agents will help you survive, but they often benefit the alpha female of the group mostly with others following the hierarchy.
  7. Police officers and security guards are generally good.  They will help you survive longer…until the big finale. They will often sacrifice themselves for the greater good.
  8. Don’t be the persistent jerk and/or hog everything. Gluttony and selfishness will mark you among the first to die.
  9. Don’t get in involved in love triangles with women. If it doesn’t hurt you now, it will definitely cause you to die later.  And if you have a family, they will become targets of said female homicidal maniac with your wife among the first to be killed.
  10. The younger generation may be more resourceful and intelligent than you are, but being proficient with electronic devices such as smartphones will only help you in the beginning when the threat hasn’t become apparent.  Once the boat gets rocking, however, they’ll be among the first to cause a commotion and among the first to die.

These rules should help you survive at least until the first half of the American horror villain attack, but these are only guidelines for the most part.  It’s a good general rule to avoid all places far away from the general public as well, but that usually applies to most horror movies.  On the bright side of American horror movies, your friends and those you pick up along the way will usually help you, even those with a past criminal history.  I wish you a good Halloween later this month when the time comes, and don’t look in the closet…

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  1. Pingback: 31 Days of Horror. Day 4: The Monster from Phantom Lake | Robert Forto

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